#HI YES I WRITE SOME HORRIFYING SHIT AND IT CATCHES ME OFF GUARD SOMETIMES.

[boneheadboner]

Since the words are flowing, I'm gonna put down some info 'bout some fucked up shit that Sonia has to deal with :D TW: possession, body control, mentioned past SA, mindfucky shit.

You'd think having voices already in your head after falling into the underground would suck enough. Then Sonia experienced going through (my own take on) Swapfell, and wound up with an Umbra(Think Pokemon meets JJBA with mythos and cryptids) Hitchhiker that helps(?) her from that point on. Sonia's DESPAIR in and of itself is a double edged sword, in that it deals no damage to monsters and slows their attacks and movement. But! Requires her to be under emotional duress (which she learns later how better to control that). And 'weighs down' the opponent with the weight of her own emotions. The Umbra she gets? Is extremely insidious, and happens to work well in tandem with DESPAIR. As it's method of 'attack' is targeting the opponent's mind rather than their Umbra. If the mind is strong, and the person keeps a level head? Shoggoth can't SUBJUGATE* them. (SUBJUGATE being a method of victory in Swapfell Umbra, being the act of SUBJUGATING monsters under your control to serve you. Binding them to your words, but still being themselves. Basically Mana/Biomotor Mindcontrol.) But with Sonia's DESPAIR, by afflicting her opponents with her negative emotions, Shoggoth can get a better foothold in their mind to successfully SUBJUGATE the opponent. First starting with using surface level negative emotions (mere frustrations, agitations, toxic thoughts) to get in. And slowly working it's 'tentacles' down into deeper rooted negative memories, genuine repulsion, anger, hatred. Until it reaches traumas, and fears, and deep rooted insecurities. And then it's almost impossible to disobey Shoggoth's host, until the Host calls to release them, or they perish.

The double-edged part, is that the host of Shoggoth will feel all the emotions that Shoggoth is rooting around in.

Under Dr. Gaster's control, it's prior host, it was an absolute terror. The 'good' doctor having no sense of fear or negative emotions himself, he found Shoggoth's ability to make him capable to feel these sensations fascinating. And given his penchant for being able to easily cause fear by who he was alone? It made experiments with so many subjects go way too terribly far.

He had no regrets for a single one. Under Sonia's control? It's having it's curiosity stimulated far more. Shoggoth is a being of pure chaos, happy to see any and every possibility seen through. Just to see what happens. Sonia, being a timid person who doesn't seem to get upset or frustrated over being hurt. Yet being so brave, headstrong, and stubborn when it comes to other's safety? To the point of endangering herself and putting her own life at risk to protect others? Under it's last host, Shoggoth got pretty bored of Gaster's antics. Under it's new host, it finds how strange humans can be, EXCITING. Especially with a host that it sometimes doesn't know what she's going to do next! Sure it has to step in sometimes to save her ass, but that's fine because she's always doing interesting and strange things!

However, due to it's chaotic nature? Shoggoth is prone to even get irate with Sonia.

There are times that Shoggoth will get bored, and if Sonia's negative emotions get too high?

Shoggoth decides to have fun, and SUBJUGATE it's own host.

-------------------------(srsly dark bs ahead)-------------------------

As her DESPAIR production is dependent on her being in a negative emotional state. She NEEDS to feel awful in order to make enough DESPAIR to keep her sufficiently 'safe' in Shoggoth's eyes. (And boi do it have a fuckton.) So Shoggoth sees absolutely no problem with forcing Sonia to relive the repeated SA she endured, and letting her babble out sobs of words she begged in those moments as it echoes her voice out amongst it's own cacophony. Using copious amounts of DESPAIR to form a physical form for it over Sonia's own. Bulking outwards more and more with the more upset it makes it's host, Shoggoth creates a sludge of negative emotions around it's host. Creating hellish claws and sickly animalistic frame. Sprouting eyes and mouths in places that shouldn't have them. Sludge that would drip forming tentacles that reach outwards all across it's frame. The visage of it would torment the nightmares of those that see it.

All in an attempt to keep her safe, but tormenting her as it does.

It hunts down any nearby that gives it's host even the slightest negative emotion, and seeks to drive them absolutely insane by overloading them with those negative and traumatic memories of it's host.

The worst part is, in such a state? It's so hard to see Sonia under all the black sludge, eyes, mouths, and tendrils. Some may attack her in that state, invoking Shoggoth's retaliation, without even realizing it's her under all of that.

And why does Shoggoth do all this?

Because it's bored. And it's host feels shitty enough that it decides to step in and play with the squishie(human) and crumbly(monster) things.

And sometimes Sonia will command it to put her through this, just to give her a chance to protect someone against a foe too strong for the both of them.

-------------------------(oki we good)-------------------------

.... Hi yes, wow. I write some VERY grimdark shit, whoops...

[astaroth1357]

The Obey Me Cast on a Camping Trip (Part Two: The Undateables)

This post is split in two due to length (I had too much fun again…) For the Brothers, please click HERE!

Intro:

Another day, another team building activity between the demons and the exchange students. It was Diavolo’s idea to go on a camping trip to the human world (because of course it was), and there were very… mixed responses. That sentiment wasn’t helped when he refused Lucifer’s insistent pleas to just purchase cabins for everyone to stay in. Oh no, the Demon Lord wanted to rough it out in the wilderness, and now everyone else was getting dragged along with him…

Wonder how that turned out?

Diavolo

He was soooo excited to get to experience camping! He had been asking the MC about human camping trips for about a week before making the announcement and he was pumped!!

Barbatos chauffeured him to the campsite in his own car (of course) but he insisted on taking every roadside, touristy stop they came across which doubled the drive time considerably…

He wanted to help everybody set up the camp but Barbatos and Lucifer were having none of it… So he took pictures and offered moral support instead! Good work everyone! 😁

He had his own tent about the size of a small house (ngl it took Barbs and Lucifer about a half hour to set the whole thing up). Barbs even somehow managed to pack a collapsible desk in there for him so he could still work… greeeat…. 🙄

Diavolo wanted to try everything. Literally everything. The man even traded his uniform out for full on outdoors gear, right down to one of those floppy fishing hats with the tackle stuck to it.

Politely insistently asks that Lucifer does things with him. The MC could come along as well (and in many cases Luci begs them to do so) but he wants to get some bonding time in with his best friend!

Unfortunately for Lucifer, Diavolo would get sidetracked quite a lot… Which is how he ended up having to physically steer his Lord out of harm's way more than once…

At one point while hiking, Diavolo was so distracted by taking pictures that he nearly walked right into the path of a passing bear and her cubs. Lucifer had to tackle him down into some bushes until they went away... His brothers teased him mercilessly when they heard about...

Dia also loved the camping food quite a bit. He's never gotten the chance to cook his own food before, even if it's just marshmallows over a fire, so it was all a brand new experience for him! S'mores are now declared a human world delicacy.

Man had the time of his life! He'd love to do it again, hell, maybe even make it a yearly event! (Few of the brothers share his sentiment, but hey, it pays to be King 😏)

Barbatos

If his Lord orders it, then he follows. He'll just have to double check that everyone is prepared for the occasion…

Drove Diavolo there with the patience of a saint (while also, like, being the exact opposite of that). Had it been anyone else in the car, they might have told him, "No, we can't stop for pictures of every moose you see," but Barbs is as accommodating as he is loyal.

It was pretty much all on his shoulders to direct the others when setting up camp. Lucifer would claim it was his, but let’s be completely honest here, Lucifer can't order Barbs to do shit. 

Naturally, he had his own tent close to his Lord, more modest in comparison, but big enough to hold a majority of the belongings and gear Diavolo had requested.

He also managed to bring a almost fully functioning kitchen setup for him using magic, minus a working oven by Diavolo's instruction. If he wanted a heat source, he had to use the campfire and he found the challenge intriguing…

For once in his extended life, Barbs had to do some trial and error in the kitchen. As it would turn out, fireside cooking can be a little difficult to master, but by the end of the trip he could still somehow dish out four course meals without so much as a sweat (according to the MC the secret was tinfoil and cast-iron cookware… who knew?)

When he isn’t prepping their next meal (which let’s be honest, with Beel on the trip that’s a constant activity) he’s guarding the food from Beel and Solomon…

The sorcerer wanted to help, but Barbs has already learned the hard way that if he so much as pokes a dish its flavor is ruined… It’s enough to make him wonder if it was a curse laid on him at some point…

Watching Barbatos deny Solomon becomes a pretty funny routine in and of itself. He’s not above just smacking the man’s hand away with a wooden spoon if it gets too close. Barbs doesn’t play in his kitchen. Back off. 😠

Barbatos is happy with the trip so long as the young Lord enjoyed himself. If that’s the case, and it was, then he’d happily do it again if asked… not that he’d have much of a choice anyway.

Simeon

Simeon was familiar with the concept of camping, he’d written about it in his stories, but he’d never actually done it himself… He had hoped it'd be an interesting experience! And uh… it was that from the very start… 

Purgatory Hall got its own car and Solomon was put in charge of driving… But no one mentioned that he drives like a complete maniac. Speed limits, stoplights, even the ROAD ITSELF be damned. Solomon drives in a straight line from point A to point B and if there’s anything in the way he’ll just use magic to get around it…

It’s safe to say that by the time he and the others got to the campsite (which was significantly quicker than the rest) the angels weren’t in the emotional state to pitch tents… He and Luke just waited for the others to catch up while praying and praising the solid ground beneath their feet…

He shared his tent with Luke and didn’t mind at all. It was probably for the best anyway because the little angel was scared of human world predators like bears and wolves coming for him in the night… Poor boy…

Simeon took to hiking quite a bit. Going out and exploring the area around the campsite made him feel invigorated! The forests were beautiful and it gave him ideas for a bit of a guilty pleasure he's been debating on writing, "The Tale of the Lonely Prince." 🤭

It was on one of those trips that Simeon discovered human world creatures love him. Pretty much all of the wildlife gravitates towards him like he's a Disney Princess.

At one point he came back to camp riding on a moose with birds chirping on his new friend's antlers. He offered to take the MC out for a ride, but the brothers threw a fit about it…

He WAS able to get a couple more wrangled for Diavolo, who naturally dragged Lucifer along (though he clearly didn't want to touch the thing). 

The three ended up getting into a mooseback race because Diavolo wouldn't let Lucifer take the lead. He was glad to see Luci enjoy himself for a change! (It helped a lot that he won of course 🙄😏)

All and all, Simeon had a great time. Maybe he should ask the MC to show him more human places… But he's never getting in a car again. Pardon his language, but fuck those things!!!

Luke

He doesn't know what's worse… being out in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of demons or the absolute insanity that was the "drive" down… 😣

He spent the entirety of Solomon's Magical Ride of Nightmares clinging to Simeon or the armrests for dear life. He swore his entire life flashed before his eyes, can angels even have heart attacks???

Stayed right next to Simeon when they finally pulled themselves together enough to leave the car. He was so happy that Michael didn't see any of that… Who knew human transportation was so horrifying…???

His saving grace (literally) was getting to share his tent with Simeon… After Solomon told him that bears sometimes get curious and ransacked campsites, he clung onto the older angel like a protective charm.

...Whiiiich he wasn't too off about actually after he saw Simeon playing (yes PLAYING) with the human wildlife… Simeon had to introduce him to some of the nicer animals for him to eventually get over his fear and venture out past the campsite.

Luke loved to swim in the lake or river with MC and the others. The MC found a sturdy branch where they set up a rope swing and the little guy amused himself for hours!

Sometimes he'd watch Barbatos prep and cook using the campfire… He didn't even know you could make lasagna in a Dutch oven…

At one point the MC convinced him to go with them and the twins on a particularly long hike…

He got tired halfway through and Beel offered him a piggyback ride, but of course he'd NEVER let himself be that close to a demon!! (Just kidding, poor boy was so tired he climbed onto Beel's back and held on the a kola until they got back. Then he jumped off to save face)

He had a better time than he thought he would, but still doesn't want to go camping with demons ever again. (He and Simeon also begged Lucifer to drive them back instead of Solomon so the brothers' van was pretty much a clown car on the return trip).

Solomon

Solomon hasn't been camping (for enjoyment) in quite a while, so when the prospect came up to do it with the MC and the other students he was intrigued...

When Simeon asked he knew how to drive, he said yes. He knows how to start a car, put it into motion, steer, and then come to a stop. That's all driving is really. 🤷‍♀️ You can't blame him for not memorizing all the rules, he's been traveling by portal for decades!

Was pretty confused why his angel friends fled the car so quickly... He got them there in one piece, after all. 😕🤷‍♀️ He put up their tents himself since they were too busy thanking their father then made a magic barrier around the site for protection purposes.

He and the MC both have their own tents, of course his is enchanted to be a lot bigger on the inside than it is on the outside, but he's only let the MC in on that little secret in case they want to visit… 😏

When everyone else finally arrived, Solomon was happy to help the MC introduce the wonders of the human wilderness to their companions! Including the breathtaking vistas, beautiful flora, bitter temperatures, man-eating predators, waters filled with disease… Hm? Oh, Luke won't leave the tent now…? Whoopsie.

Solomon kept himself occupied on the trip the best way he knew how… relentless trolling (particularly of Asmo and Barbs because they're used to his shit).

He'd alternate between poking fun at Asmo for the almost ritual length routines he was going through to try and save his looks to genuinely trying to encourage him and downplay the severity of the downgrade...

Meanwhile he was bound and determined to serve at least one of his own dishes during the trip (but Barbatos had banned him from the "kitchen," the food tent, and even the spoons...)

Diavolo, nice guy that he is, eventually made Barbs relent and let Solomon cook for ONE night… It went as well as to be expected. (They sent Solomon to grab more supplies then everybody took turns washing their mouths out with lake water... Diavolo apologized profusely, he had no idea...).

Solomon was confused why the angels would rather squeeze themselves in with the brothers than ride with him back but he wasn’t upset about it. That meant he could make a few extra stops without anyone complaining! He knows a guy in New Orleans he’s been meaning to see again… Luke and Simeon can wait a little for their stuff, right?

Click HERE for Part One. Check out my Masterlist for more!

[brutal-nemesis]

E&T: The Armputation

Yeah. Yeah it’s time bitches :) you read it right we’re chopping that shit off

←Previous - Masterlist - Next→

Ingredients: amputation (omg wow), noncon surgery/body mod, body horror, slight gore

Erebus had sensed something was off when Neteri failed to bring him dinner one night, and when the guards appeared at his door the next morning instead of her, he knew what it meant.

It was time for another procedure.

He understood why she didn’t tell him it was coming, but having hardly any time to process that something was going to be drastically different about his body within the next hour wasn’t the best feeling. Before he knew it, he was on the table again, this time with his shirt off, that silly little rat drawing on the ceiling staring down at his restrained form. Maybe he should give it a name? That was something to focus on, and it’s not like he could see what Neteri was up to at her workbench with his head strapped down. After debating a bit, he settled on Zander, after a big black dog he’d played with sometimes as a kid. He missed seeing dogs. And cats. And birds and the sky and trees and flowers-

“Morning, Erebus!” Neteri seemed far too chipper for someone who was about to…do whatever she was going to do. “How are you feeling?”

“Not...great. Because I’m here. I don’t want to be here.” Even though I deserve to be.

“Yeah that’s expected. But nothing out of the ordinary?”

“Do I get out of this if I say yes?” She laughed and stroked his face.

“You’re fine.” He felt himself grow more and more nervous with anticipation as she rubbed something cold all over his right shoulder. Right there, she was going to cut him open and, and...what was she getting from her workbench? When she came back into view and he saw what she had, he felt his stomach drop. The knife she was holding was the most horrific looking instrument he’d ever seen. It was large and curved, and the fact that she was going to use it on him made it that much worse. 

“What,” he gulped, “what are you going to do to me?”

“Well...do you promise not to freak out?”

“Uh...no. You do realize that makes me more worried, right?”

“Oh, yeah I guess so. It’ll probably be better that you know the full plan beforehand anyway. So,” she put down the knife and clasped her hands, “I’m going to be replacing your arm.”

“Replacing my...with what, exactly?” 

“Another arm, of course. This one, to be exact.” She motioned to a box on the counter. “It’s from a lust demon.”

“Wait, you’re going to cut off my arm?!” Neteri nodded matter-of-factly as Erebus’s heart rate skyrocketed. He didn’t deserve that...did he?!

“I thought that was implied in the ‘replacing’ part, but yeah. Off with your right arm, on with this one.”

“You can’t just do that! That’s-you can’t just amputate my arm!”

“See, this is why I didn’t want to tell you. I knew you’d freak out.”

“Of-of course I’m freaking out! You want to cut off one of my limbs, for Drottkia’s sake!”

“I mean, yeah, but I’m going to give you a new one right away. So at the end of the day you’ll have the same number of arms you started with. It’s honestly not worth getting that worked up about.”

“Yes it is! You’re going to just-just attach someone else’s arm to my body! What in the world makes you think that’s not-” his voice cracked, and he realized there were tears streaming from his eyes. He didn’t want this, he was so, so afraid, and no matter how much he struggled and pleaded it was inevitable. 

“Shh, shh. That’s enough now, you’ll be alright,” Neteri said as she wiped away his tears. He hated the way she comforted him, as if she wasn’t the source of all his problems. She reached for something out of his line of sight, and he didn’t manage to get a good look before she shoved it in his mouth. It was just a wad of cloth, but it silenced all of his further protests. He struggled uselessly against the tight leather straps, but he could hardly move at all. There was nothing he could do as she picked up the knife again. There was nothing he could do as he felt the cold blade touch his skin. 

There was nothing he could do but wiggle the fingers of his right hand one last time while he still could. 

The knife sliced through the flesh of his arm in one swift stroke, pain exploding out from it so quickly that Erebus could hardly register it. He barely had time to scream before he felt her place another tool on the wreck of his arm. And when it started moving, he knew exactly what it was. That was a saw, that was a saw, she was sawing through his bone, the vibrations shaking him to the very core. All of a sudden, there was a quiet thud and the sawing stopped, causing a suffocating panic to descend over Erebus, threatening to crush him.

It was gone it was gone his arm was gone the arm he’d used to write and eat and draw and plant flowers and hug his mother one last time and hold his father’s hand as he died was gone and the horrific new one couldn’t replace that, not at all, not at all, but it was too late because it was gone. He heard her pick it up and take it away, leaving a gaping hole next to him on the table, a space that had always been filled before by his arm, but his arm was gone and there was nothing there, nothing at all.

But when he felt her set something else down in that empty space, and his stomach twisted. It was the arm, the one that wasn’t his, the one that was going to be attached to his body, that was going to be his. After fiddling with it a bit, she pressed it up against the stump, the cold demon flesh meeting that of a warm human. She started to stitch them together, and Erebus couldn’t help but whine at both the sting of the needle and the horror of what was happening to him. But once the stitching stopped, the healing magic started, and that was far, far more painful.

Erebus screamed into the gag as he was assaulted by waves of relentless agony, ebbing and flowing as each nerve and blood vessel was joined together. It felt like every pain sensor in the arm was lighting up all at once as the connections were forged, every imaginable anguish being played out in a single moment. And when the bones started to fuse, oh he could hardly breathe, it was like fiery splinters were stabbing up into his shoulder, as many pinpricks of agony as there were stars in the sky, and there was nothing, nothing in the world besides that stabbing pain and the hum of screams in his throat. But all at once, the intensity of the pain evaporated as Neteri’s magic ceased flowing. 

Erebus cautiously opened his eyes, looking at Zander the rat for a moment before turning his gaze to Neteri as much as the strap over his forehead would allow. He was shocked to see that she was clutching the edge of the table for support, breathing heavy as blood dripped steadily from her nose and ears. With a shaking hand, she pulled the gag from his mouth, her unfocused eyes meeting his tear-filled ones.

“Are you...okay?” she gasped between breaths. Erebus paused. He was absolutely, positively, nowhere near okay, but he knew what sort of answer she wanted.

“I’m...it still hurts, but not as much as before you, uh, started...connecting it.” Erebus replied, his voice painfully raspy from screaming. 

“Can you...can you move your fingers?” He hesitantly complied, and was relieved to feel the unfamiliar digits wiggling, even if it felt a little off. She nodded, looking between his hand and the place where she’d attached the arm. “Okay. Hang in there just a bit more.” She took a deep breath and placed her hands on the wound again. Her magic sparked to life, and Erebus could see it was hurting her, too, before he was consumed by his own pain. But it wasn’t long before the magic sputtered out again. Neteri nearly collapsed on top of him, catching herself at the last moment.

“I think...it’ll be good...good enough for now. I’m sure it’s not perfect...I promise I’ll fix it later but I...I need to stop or I’ll...” She squeezed her eyes shut. “I’m sorry if...hurts...I know that...really painful...and you shouldn’t...more than necessary.” Opening her eyes, she pulled something out of her pocket before moving out of view. A few seconds later, the pair of guards from before came into the lab, shock flashing on their faces for a moment as they took in the bloodstained scene before them. Neteri came around the table, clutching something small and blue in one of her fists, seemingly a little more steady on her feet. She stood between Erebus and the guards, looking one of them dead in the eye.

“Take him back and give him something to take care of the attachment site, but I don’t want anyone else touching him, is that clear?” She jabbed a finger up at his face, her other hand clutching Erebus’s left arm tightly, either for support or out of possessiveness. “He is mine, and he can care for himself until I’m better.” She turned to the other guard. “I’ll probably need your help with a few things…”

Erebus let the guard take him back without a fuss after he was freed from the table. Trying to escape in this condition would just be dumb, and it’s not like there was much point in running with that spell on the brand. He was left alone in the cell with a roll of bandages and something to help fight off infection. But before he took care of the new wound, Erebus needed to wash off the blood that practically coated the right side of his body. There was so much of it on the arm...no, it was his right arm, that the skin looked completely red. 

But as the blood was washed away by the little rainstorm, Erebus realized that that really was its color. Honestly, with the bright red skin, pitch black nails, and the prominent stitches attaching it to his body, the arm made him look like some sort of...monster which is what he was inside, wasn’t he? He watched in horrified fascination as the limb he didn’t recognize as his own moved as he wanted it to. Well, for the most part. It was sort of shaky, and he couldn’t make a fist or straighten it out all the way, but that was hopefully something Neteri could fix...

And despite everything, a small part of him couldn’t help but hope that, for her sake, Neteri was okay.

Next→

Tags: @dramaticcollapse @thehopelessopus @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @galaxywhump @as-a-matter-of-whump @mnmlover2002 @tears-and-lilies @yet-another-heathen @rippedjeansandfadeddreams @starnight-whump​ @unicornscotty

[jimlingss]

For a request, how about Tae and the reader where hs sweethearts and really loved each other, but then the reader had to move far away for some reason and they lost contact. Then years later when they’re both adults they meet again because they end up working at the same place. Maybe Tae wants to try things again because he really felt they were real but the reader is unsure and thinks they were too young before. You can decide the ending. It’s a story idea I’ve had for a while now 😅 Thanks! 💜

↳ Sixteen Over Thirty

1.5k words || 100% Fluff || Kim Taehyung

Everyone has a period of time in their life that they want to hide.  For you and many others, that time is high school. When you were awkward and gawky, limbs suddenly longer than they’ve ever been before, acne cursing you as you tried to fit in the cesspool of superficial teenagers. You still cringe remembering just how unbearable you were. On your worst days, you’re reminded that you used to write lyrics of romance songs on the margins of your notes and that you wanted to someday get a tattoo of them. You wrote romantic poems, daydreamed scenes from chick flicks and thought it was your own life. Worse of all — you thought you found your soulmate. You used to scribble ‘Kim Y/N’ all over your journal, and you’re sure your teenage self would’ve gotten married had it been legal at sixteen. You would’ve said yes the second he popped the question. It’s a horrifying thought. “Why’s it horrifying?” A mirage of your teenage self confronts you with her arms crossed. She has that glare on — the one she thinks is scary, but comes off more as bratty. “You’re too young to get married.” “But I love him!” “You don’t love him,” you spit at her in distaste. “God, you don’t even know how to do taxes, don’t talk about love with me, you child.” “Ugh, you’re just like mom and dad!” She dramatically rolls her eyes. “What happened to you?!” “Life,” you tell her in disgust. Why she was wearing neon pink eyeshadow was beyond you. “I wish you’d become me sooner.” “You can’t tell me what to do!” She shouts at the top of her lungs. “I hate you!” The hallucination stomps off and slams the door shut, leaving you with a sigh. Everyone has a dark past of embarrassment and shame that makes you kick your blanket at night. But sometimes, it returns to truly haunt you, materializing right in front of you with no escape. And this time, it’s not a mirage of your past self formed from your active imagination. It’s someone real and tangible. “Y/N!” Your colleague waves you over in the lobby with a smile. “You got a lot of energy for a Monday morning.” “‘Course, I’m just showing the new recruit around. Kim Taehyung, this is L/N Y/N. She’s the senior director of the marketing department.” Your ears are ringing. It couldn’t be…. But the minute he steps aside, you come face to face with a tall individual with blonde hair. He has a bright smile, holding a curious stare, his brown eyes peering into yours. “Y/N…?” “T-Taehyung?” “Do you two know each other?” Your colleague looks between the both of you and your expressions of wonderment. “Yeah. We...went to high school together.” “Oh, really? Wow. What a small word!” It’s a small world indeed. It’s way too small. You should move to another fucking planet — NASA should make it to Mars faster so you can migrate. But alas, there’s no escape. Not today, not in the next few months. Taehyung works right in your department by your side. The pair of you see each other day in and day out, and he never hesitates to make small talk with you, catching up on the years you've missed of each other's life. Just like before, he places himself too close to you. Kim Taehyung is talented in how he worms his way into people’s lives and bring their guard down. And one night, you find yourself realizing this at a bar during happy hour with all your colleagues. You’ve taken your place alone at the counter on a stool, and he slides right up next to you. “Drink’s here are good.” “Yeah, I know.” You keep your speech polite, distant. “Not bad for the price.” He hits you with a memory. “We used to pass here all the time, remember? Always wanted to go in together when we were old enough.” Stiff laughter leaves your mouth and you click your drink with his beer bottle. “Guess we made it.” The man hums, his elbow propped on the counter. He rests his cheek in his hand and stares at you, a little too intensely, but you don’t comment. He shouldn’t look this good in a simple white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and fitted trousers. Damn him.  “We had a lot of things we wanted to do when we became of age. Didn’t you want to get matching tattoos?” He snaps his fingers, eyes lighting up. “You even had drawings of them!” “Oh god.” You groan. “Don’t talk about it.” Taehyung gives a cheesy smile. “Why not?” “It’s embarrassing.” “I don’t think so,” he muses. “It’s cute.” “We were young.” “Still are,” he says and takes a long sip of his drink. The oncoming intoxication makes it easier to speak sober thoughts, and he must find it simpler too because he asks— “I heard you’re not seeing anyone. What’s up with that?” The bomb is dropped. You’re caught off guard. “What do you mean?” Taehyung shrugs. “I just thought you’d be married by now. You always talked about wanting to be married and having kids before turning twenty five.” “Well, I was a dumb teenager, Taehyung.” It’s nostalgic to sit next to him like this, to talk this quietly as if it’s just the both of you in this busy place, and you’re not sure if you welcome the feeling. “We all were.” “Do you ever think about how we could’ve been?” he asks, looking at you carefully. “I mean, if you never had to move away for college.” “I don’t know.” There’s a long silence as your mind travels. Maybe you would’ve gotten married to him by now, have kids, working mediocre jobs and coming home to the family. A white-picket fenced life. Then again, people don’t often end up with their high school sweethearts, not when their innocence sooner or later becomes ruined, when their immaturity sheds, when they realize the horizon’s so big…. Yet somehow, your teenage self would like to disagree with your cynical view. “Why’d you never call me when you came back?” “I didn’t know you were still here and I didn’t want to bother you. I thought you’d be married by now.” “Same here. Guess I just never found the person I wanted to marry.” Taehyung gaze is deep and imploring. “At least there was no one like you.” You laugh, lolling your head to one side. “Are you trying to flirt with me, Kim Taehyung?” “Is it working?” he chuckles, sipping on his drink as you roll your eyes playfully. “It’s inappropriate.” “Well we’re not at work,” he counters. “Everything’s fair game, right?” A noise comes from your mouth that he relishes in, a half-scoff and half-laugh. “Some things don’t change, do they, Taehyung?” “Some don’t.” The corners of his mouth draw upwards. “So you should let me take you on a date.” You blink hard, not sure if you misheard or not. “Pardon?” “I think….I might still be in love with you,” he admits over another tentative sip of his drink. Your face feels hot. Your stomach flutters as if you were still a teenager and not a grown woman. And your heart stutters against its will. Your composed exterior is vulnerable but you laugh it off. “Don’t be ridiculous, Taehyung. We were like five.” “We were sixteen,” he corrects. “Yeah, well, I’m thirty now and that feels like eons ago. I have to go get my cane.” He laughs noisily and it’s nice to see him be so unabashedly himself. “That’s not old. You’re not a grandma and even then there’s nothing wrong with that — I’d still want to take you out to dinner and a movie.” Your flustered, swallowing hard. “Sure. Good luck with that.” “Why, you don’t believe me?” Taehyung leans in closer, his breath skimming on your cheek and making you feel a kind of nervousness you haven’t felt since you were an adolescent. “Is it so crazy for you to believe that I like you?” “I think you’re hanging onto a fantasy.” “And what fantasy is that?” he asks.  “I..I don’t know. The whole fantasy that we’d work out. That everything will be perfect. The whole seeing the world through rose-coloured lenses.” “I don’t think so.” Taehyung pouts and thinks about it. “I don’t think everything will be perfect. I don’t know if things will work out — we’ll have to see. And I’m pretty sure I see you how you actually are.” The distance has closed. He’s still smiling in that way that pisses you off, but makes your palms sweaty. God, he always knew how to soften you right up. You feel like melted butter. There’s a moment of quiet and you finish your drink, slamming it down on the counter. “Where would we have dinner?” The man has a shit-eating grin, one of delight, excitement and victory. “At that breakfast diner we used to go to.” “Walking down memory lane, aren’t we, Kim Taehyung?” You grab your purse quickly and muster a nonchalant shrug as you hop off the stool. “Fine, I like their pancakes anyways.” Kim Taehyung laughs, following closely behind. You embrace your teenage self instead of shaming her, and she stays right by your side, singing love songs already.

[ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes]

Dawn in Your Eyes Part 11

Summary: Alfie has little to no idea why Caroline ever gave him the time of day. The blind woman seemed far too sensible to even speak to him. But soon he finds himself falling helplessly in love.

Part 11: Seder is held at Letwin Estates for the first time. 

Thank you so much to @justanothershelby​ for being my Jewish encyclopedia. Go follow her, her writing is top-notch. 

            It took time for Caroline to become adjusted to the estate. Even Pilot needed to become acclimated to the space because it was much larger than the flats they’d lived in before. Alfie walked through the house with her a few times, holding her arm as she felt out the various doors and hallways. She had to use her cane the first month or so which made her a bit disgruntled. Knowing the area around her was liberating. When she was unfamiliar with it, she felt boxed in and extra wary.

         Alfie wondered for a while if he’d made the right decision. Seeing his wife moving carefully through the space made him feel a little guilty, as if he’d uprooted her and forced her to adjust to a strange setting.

~~~~~~~~~~~

         One night, Caroline got up to get a glass of water. She was determined to find her way by herself, letting Pilot sleep peacefully in his bed in the corner of the room. Alfie was still fast asleep too when she slipped out of bed and began making her way out of the room and down the hall. She was so intent on getting through the house that she forgot to bring her cane along.

         The first hallway was successful. Caroline managed to find the banister and make her way down the first set of stairs.

         Once she reached the landing in the middle of the staircase, however, she misstepped. Slipping on the rug, she tumbled down a few steps, catching herself by grabbing onto the banister.

         Fortunately, it didn’t take much to wake Alfie. He’d been conditioned to wake easily with any semi-loud noise. When he found the bed empty next to him, he panicked and rushed to the stairs.

         “Carrie?” He hurried down to help her up. “What happened? You fall?”

         She sat up on the step and sniffled. “Yeah, I’m okay.” Aside from her elbow which was bruised a bit, she didn’t feel any injuries.

         “What’re you doing on your own down here? S’the middle of the night, love.” He touched her cheek to see if she hit her head.

         “I was just-” She swallowed and wiped the tears budding from her eyes. “I just hate that I don’t know the house yet.”

         “Oh, love, s’only been a couple of months.” Alfie soothed softly. “You’ll get the hang of it soon ‘nough.”

         She didn’t seem to listen. “Just a blind girl stumbling ‘round.” She muttered and rubbed her elbow.

         “Caroline, new situations are difficult for everyone. All takes us time to navigate them, yeah? Ain’t nothing to be ashamed or angry ‘bout.” He kissed her forehead and helped her stand up. “What’d you need down here, love, I’ll get it for you.”

         “No, I’ll come with you.” She linked arms with him and he carefully helped her down the stairs.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

         By the spring, Caroline had gotten a hang of the manor’s layout. Sometimes she found herself in the wrong room but that was only because of the sheer size of Letwin Estates. The name was bestowed on the estate a few weeks after they purchased the home. It was Alfie’s mother’s maiden name and seemed like a nice fit.

         Once Caroline felt more familiar with the home, she fell in love with it. There was nothing more she loved than to go on walks with Alfie and the dogs through the lawns. The warm spring sun finally peeking out from behind gray clouds. The flowers and trees in the garden began to bloom again, filling the air with sweet aromas.

         Caroline certainly did feel spoiled by her husband. Now she had three beautiful homes all with different things she loved about them. But Letwin would become the site of their first Seder held together as a married couple. And that was something special.

         Even though Alfie brought up the possibility of celebrating Passover at Letwin, he began to second guess himself. Partly because Caroline has just gotten accustomed to her surroundings. Now they were meant to hold dinner with God knows how many guests over? The last thing he wanted to do was further throw her off guard.

         But when he asked, she insisted. So, Seder would be held in Essex. Friends and family were all invited from every corner of their now united lives. The guest list was long, simply because the house was large enough to accommodate. Also, Alfie partly wanted to show off his new digs and his beautiful wife. What could he say? He was a peacock sometimes.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

         Caroline was beaming by the time guests were due to arrive. The home was warm and decorated according to tradition. Now she would invite her guests into her home as the woman of the house. It was exhilarating.

         She came downstairs with Pilot to find Alfie lingering in the foyer. “Is my scarf on okay?” She asked. Even though Caroline had gotten the hang of putting on her own headscarf, Alfie still often put it on for her. It had become an intimate little routine for them every morning. Pausing in between getting ready for the day, Alfie would sit down with his wife on the bed. He’d carefully place each pin, making sure the scarf was secure. Then he’d kiss her forehead and tell her he loved her.

         But that evening Alfie had been running around making sure everything was set so she had put it on herself.

         “Looks perfect.” He kissed her cheek. “I think our first guests have arrived. Are you ready?”

         Caroline bit her lip and nodded. “I am.”

          Elizabeth and Richard arrived first with Buck.

         “Oh, the house is just lovely!” Alfie’s cousin exclaimed as she was welcomed inside.

         “You can’t see it, silly girl.” Alfie teased in response as he greeted her. “Or have you got your eyesight since we spoke last?”

         Elizabeth grinned but smacked her cousin. “I can appreciate the ambiance, asshole.”    

         Richard just sighed at their antics and greeted Caroline. “It is quite the place, Alfie.” He remarked, looking around the foyer. “I didn’t expect you to ever live in a place like this.”

         “Yeah, well.” Alfie shrugged and helped take Elizabeth’s coat. “Nice to get outta the city, innit? All that smoke ‘n shit ain’t good for the lungs, mate.”

         “Carrie, I must tell you about a gentleman Richard met the other day. He is very interested in offering to fund the charity.” Elizabeth linked arms with Caroline, chatting on about the donations.

                  More guests arrived and Caroline was swept back and forth to greet and talk. She received compliments of the house, how wonderful it was that she and Alfie were married, Mazel Tovs, and thanks for the invite. Soon, Caroline was afraid the house would burst at the seam with the amount of people she welcomed inside. But she was enjoying herself. The atmosphere was celebratory as people laughed and joked with each other.

         Once everyone arrived, they entered the dining room for dinner. Alfie was chuffed to be head of the table. With his beautiful wife by his side, the man couldn’t have been prouder. And he adored that every time he glanced over at Caroline, she had a smile on her face.

         In fact, she loved listening to Alfie lead the dinner, telling the story of Passover and Moses. It was a bit more colorful than was probably traditionally intended but it was all Alfie and what wasn’t to love about that? Caroline knew it was the best Seder dinner she’d been to. There was just something so special about it. Beyond finally being the woman she always wanted to be and in the independent status she felt she deserved, there was Alfie. And Alfie made everything seem better. Her heart felt so full when he spoke and when he gently helped her stand after the final blessing was said for the dinner.

         “You were lovely.” Caroline murmured softly to him.

         “You think so?” He chuckled. “Didn’t get anything wrong, did I?”

         “I think Elizabeth would’ve called you out if you had.” She giggled. “She loves correcting you.”

         Alfie smiled and kissed her cheek. “C’mon, love, night ain’t over yet. Still got some entertaining to do.”

        ~~~~~~~~~~~

         After dinner, the guests mingled and celebrated the night. They sang traditional songs and joked with one another. Going on midnight, and the house was still alive and lit up. Caroline’s cheeks were red with warmth and her stomach hurt a bit from laughing with Elizabeth.

         But everything would come crashing down when Caroline went to find her husband. She politely passed through the groups of people, listening for Alfie’s voice or laughter. Instead, she caught onto a conversation she was definitely not meant to hear.

                  “After all this time no one expected him to marry.”

         “If you’d asked me five years ago if he’d be married, I would’ve laughed. Alfie Solomons? Married? No mother in their right mind would allow that.”

         “Her mother’s passed, her aunt was her guardian I believe.”

         “Ah, yes, Mrs. Ellner.”

         “To think she’d allow it.”

         “Something must’ve happened behind closed doors. Mrs. Ellner is a very wealthy woman, you know.”

         There was some hushed whispering between the women talking. As if they were horrified over the prospect of a shady deal being taken place between Alfie and Julia. Caroline felt transfixed in her spot, listening in on the conversation, waiting to hear what the women had to say. She didn’t recognize the voices. They were probably wives of some of the men Alfie invited. People she was unfamiliar with.

         “He couldn’t have wanted to marry a blind girl.”

         “So, you think Julia offered a large dowry? I wouldn’t think she would want her niece with him.”

         “I’ve heard she’s been trying to marry her off for years. Alfie was probably the only one who took the bait.”

         “It’s just so sad, don’t you think? After all? How good of a wife can she be?”

         “Never mind being a wife, what if she becomes a mother?”

         “Can you imagine? How can you be a mother if you can’t see your own children?”

         Caroline had heard enough. She grabbed Pilot’s lead tightly and made a beeline for the stairs. She kept her face tilted down slightly, hoping that none of the guests would notice the tears falling down her cheeks.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

         Alfie noticed that he hadn’t seen his wife in quite some time. She had mentioned she was going to find her aunt but that had been almost twenty minutes ago. Concerned, he tracked down Richard and Elizabeth.

         “Have you talked to Caroline?”

         “I think I saw her in the foyer not too long ago,” Richard said.

         “She’s probably just going to freshen up, Alfie, it’s okay,” Elizabeth responded.

         Alfie just shook his head and made his way to the stairs. Cyril and Apollo followed him up to the bedroom, tired from all the attention they were getting from the guests.

         The master bedroom’s door was shut so Alfie knocked tentatively. “Caroline?”

         There was no answer but he began to hear soft crying over the chatter downstairs. Worried beyond belief, Alfie entered the room. There he found his wife curled up in a fetal position on the bed. Pilot was lying beside her, his chin propped up on her hip. The Newfoundland eyed Alfie as he neared.

         “Caroline, love, why’re you crying?”

         The woman was too emotionally exhausted to even lift her head or move her hands away from her face. She could only continue to cry weakly.

         “Caroline, you’ve got me all worried, please tell me what’s wrong.” He sat down on the bed and tried to take her hands.

         She jerked away, refusing to let him try to drag her out of the ocean of sadness she was drowning in.

         “I can’t help you if you ain’t gonna tell me why you’re crying, love.” He touched her shoulder.

         Realizing Alfie wouldn’t take silence for an answer, Caroline spoke into her palms. “They’re right. I should’ve known.”

         Worried he’d lost a few words because her voice was muffled, Alfie bent down closer to her. “What’s that? Who was right?”

         “Them, downstairs. I can’t ever be a good wife or a good mother. I shouldn’t even try.” A fresh sob wracked her body. “I-I was so f-foolish to think I could b-be more.”

         Alfie’s heart sunk. He thought, maybe a bit naively, that she’d gotten over her insecurities about motherhood. There was only so much he could do by telling her what he thought. He couldn’t go in and rewire the part of her brain that doubted herself. And it didn’t help that there were people who doubted her too. That only added fuel to whatever heartache Caroline was facing.

         “Fuck what they think, right? Because what the fuck do they know, aye? They obviously don’t know you very well ‘cause they’d never say such a thing.” He tried to be positive when really, he wanted to make whoever insulted his wife disappear. He wanted to shield Caroline from anyone who would ever doubt her.

         Caroline didn’t respond to him. She kept her hands over her face, still just weeping to herself.

         “C’mon, let’s wipe up these tears and go back downstairs. Show everyone that you’re the perfect wife. They’ll all be jealous of you.” He went to help her sit up.

         His wife sharply pulled away from him and shoved his hands away. “Alfie, leave me alone!” She snapped. “I want to be alone!”

         It was the first time she’d ever been so harsh with him. It made him retreat a bit, withdrawing his hands and keeping them to himself. “Alright, m’sorry.” He mumbled. “Just wanted to try ‘n make you feel better.”

         She simply turned her back to him, curling up into a tighter ball.

         He desperately wanted to gather her up in his arms and reassure her that the opinions of others didn’t matter. But instead, he got up from the bed with a sigh. “I’ll leave you alone then.” He left the room, leaving the three dogs inside to comfort her. Maybe they could do a better job.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

         Dejected and pissed off at whoever spoke ill about Caroline, Alfie returned downstairs. Guests were starting to leave, saying goodbye and giving well wishes to him. Alfie saw them out, thanking them and wishing them safe travels. Some asked about Caroline but he simply said she was sporting a headache and needed to lie down.

         As the last stragglers left, Alfie realized he was left alone with Julia who had held back. She had wanted to speak with the man alone.

         “You’re welcome to stay the night if you’d like, Julia, plenty of rooms upstairs. Elizabeth and Richard have decided to stay.” Alfie offered.

         “That’s quite alright, Alfie.” The older woman responded. “I just wanted to speak with you before I left.”

         “Ah, okay.”

         The two stood in a foyer, a bit of distance between them not just physically but emotionally as well. Alfie knew that he’d gone behind Julia’s back when he and Caroline decided to carry out a relationship against her orders. The woman had been terse with him ever since. Julia wasn’t a person who gave many chances.

         “I wanted to thank you for what you’ve given my niece.”

         The start was a bit surprising to Alfie. He hadn’t expected a thank you from Julia any time soon. “Oh? Oh, well…she deserves it don’t she?”

         “Indeed.” Julia sighed. “I thought I could give her everything she needed. I could look after her, keep her happy, just so long as I kept her safe. Away from harm’s way. I thought you ruined that for me when she told me she loved you. But now I realize…what I see is something I didn’t expect to see. You care very much for my niece, that’s obvious. I was fair in having my doubts but you proved my wrong. However, I realized that you’ve given her the life she always wanted. That was something I couldn’t give her. That’s why I wanted to thank you.”

         Alfie struggled to find the words. It was incredible, thrilling even, to hear those words. “I-erm-I appreciate that.” He would’ve been overjoyed had he not just seen his wife crying on their bed. “I’m trying me best, I s’pose.” He admitted quietly.

         “That’s all any of us can do, Alfie,” Julia reassured him and donned her coat. “Give Caroline my best, I heard you say she wasn’t feeling well.”

         “Yeah, I will.” Alfie ran a hand over his beard and walked Julia out to her car. “Drive safe.” He waved her off and went back inside. The house was shockingly quiet once everyone was gone. It was almost a silence that was solid. Able to be felt by every inch of the body.

         Just to hear something, Alfie cleared his throat and shut the door. He glanced up at the staircase. No doubt Caroline would still want her space. So, he decided to take up in one of the spare bedrooms.

         Even for just one night, it would be difficult being apart from her. 

Permanent Tag: @sansajonsastark​ @giftofdreams​

Tag list: @zazasblogxx​ @thinkingsofamadwoman​ @deaflikehawkeye​

Masterlist 

[fictionerd]

Good to see you, friends!

Please merciful gods... if any are listening, let me get caught up today. The sooner I can get on a proper schedule the better off I’ll be. Having a single show per day to write about would be great. Pretty please.

If you want it so badly quit praying and get synopsizing already I have some frustrations to vent. 

Full agreement. Less invoking higher powers and more talking about the show. Last time we had a god-thing visit the library it did NOT go well.

Don’t you have the thing suspended in a giant tube full of glowy green liquid powering something in your workshop?

Yes, but the damn thing nearly tore a hole in the library and all but ripped off one of your wings in the process. Remember that?

Yeah... yeah point taken. No more invocations. Time to talk about Kimetsu no Yaiba.

Synopsis: Our hero is the kid who looks horrified in the eyecatch. His name is Tanjiro, and his life is about to be fucked sideways by Murphy’s law.

Tanjiro lives alone on a mountain with his mother and FIVE siblings. Their dad apparently passed away sometime before the series began. One thing I can tell about Tanjiro is that he’s apparently spec’d into every Charisma skill he can. Dude’s a people magnet and seems to be an all-around nice guy. 

One day Tanjiro takes a load of Charcoal into town to sell. There he’s shown to be rather well liked and trusted, as stated above. On his way home, however, he’s stopped by some old dude and told not to go all the way home because it’s dangerous. He’s all like, “Nah, it’s cool my passive perception is BEAST”

“Get your ass in my shack, kid. There’s demons about what’ll use you for bubblegum and the last thing I need in my nightmares is the image of your face stretched over three feet of bubble yum.”

So Tanjiro, being the people person he is, obliges the old man. He wrangles a free meal out of the deal and quietly goes to sleep. He is rewarded for this by getting home the next day to find his entire family torn apart like a bunch of poorly-guarded pinatas at a five-year-old’s birthday party. He, naturally, fails his will save and freaks the FUCK out. However, it seems that not all the eldest of his younger siblings (That was a sentence) is still alive! 

Our hero does what any good TTRPG hero would do in his situation: Grabs his sister and starts booking it in the direction of town looking for a doctor. All’s going well until his GM rolls some dice behind the screen and winces.

So his sister has gone demon. Show of hands who’s suprised? Ah, no one it seems. You must have read the series synopsis same as I. That’d be why I’m leaning into the D&D metaphor so hard here. I need to do SOMETHING to differentiate this bit.

So Tanjiro is keeping it cool. He’s just barely making the strength checks he needs to keep his now demonic sister from using his intestines as sausage casings when the GM does another hidden luck roll and sends in a demon hunter to save his ass. 

Of course Tanjiro is kinda partial to keeping his sister alive, demon or not.. TJ is absolutely no match for the big-dick demon hunter, so he leans into his Persuasion checks and manages to sway the demon hunter just enough to piss him off. Hunts McGee tries to give TJ the “Hard Truths” of the whole demon biz, and taking cues from the NPC TJ goes for complicated set of bluffing tactics to try and catch the guy off guard and save his sister. These ALMOST succeed in decapitating the Demon hunter and ACTUALLY succeed at getting Demon-Sis free. The GM decides to offer one last out and rolls a final luck check... Which resolves OVERWHELMINGLY in TJ’s favor. Demon-Sis, instead of chowing on his face, Turns and starts protecting him from Hunts McGee. 

The GM decides to roll with this as the plotline and tells TJ to go seek out a new NPC who might have a lead on how to heal his sister’s demonitis.

Aria’s Thoughts: I REALLY didn’t like the demon hunter’s “Only the mighty have a chance at success” schtick. He might be right to one degree or another, but COME ON, dude. The kid’s just had the worst day of his life. He’s seen his entire family turned into hamburger helper. He nearly got eaten by his sister. YOU showed up and threatened to kill her. If I were “TJ” as Fic has named him I’m pretty sure I’d be fucked up to the point of begging too. That or so pissed I tore his throat out myself before using the knowledge he just gave me to join my sister in Demon-hood. Could go either way personally.

Do we need to talk about some shit, Aria?

I’m being realistic here. It’s not like the Demons are particularly evil. At the very least Nezuko (Whose name you never said btw) just seemed to be hungry. Also, before Justine can bring it up: Yeah I know that the Demon Hunter was just testing TJ. They did a decent job making it clear that was the case, but still fuck the whole “Only the strong survive” bullshit.

Justine’s Thoughts: This was a fantastic show. Despite hand-drawn characters being placed in at least partially CG backgrounds nothing seemed too out of place. I do have questions what time period this is supposed to be taking place in since the town they showed in this episode appeared to have power lines. As far as atmosphere goes, however, the episode did a great job delivering. They telegraph the shift in tone hard, but it doesn’t feel forced. The way the music shifts when Tanjiro discovers what’s left of his family struck some mainline of emotional resonance and really sold the moment. Personally I’m looking forward to more. Can we just go watch some more? Like right now?

Actually yeah. We’re a week behind on this one so it’s double feature time.

Oh, sweet. To be continued, folks.

See you in a bit!

[illbefinealonereads]

Blog tour! I present to you some info and an excerpt from She’s Faking It by Kristin Rockaway.

She’s Faking It Kristin Rockaway FICTION/Romance/Contemporary  Trade Paperback | Graydon House Books On Sale: 6/30/2020 978152580464 $15.99 $19.99 CAN

You can’t put a filter on reality. Bree Bozeman isn’t exactly pursuing the life of her dreams. Then again, she isn’t too sure what those dreams are. After dropping out of college, she’s living a pretty chill life in the surf community of Pacific Beach, San Diego…if “chill” means delivering food as a GrubGetter, and if it means “uneventful”. But when Bree starts a new Instagram account — @breebythesea — one of her posts gets a signal boost from none other than wildly popular self-help guru Demi DiPalma, owner of a lifestyle brand empire. Suddenly, Bree just might be a rising star in the world of Instagram influencing. Is this the direction her life has been lacking? It’s not a career choice she’d ever seriously considered, but maybe it’s a sign from the universe. After all, Demi’s the real deal… right? Everything is lining up for Bree: life goals, career, and even a blossoming romance with the chiseled guy next door, surf star Trey Cantu. But things are about to go sideways fast, and even the perfect filter’s not gonna fix it. Instagram might be free, but when your life looks flawless on camera, what’s the cost?

BUY LINKS:

Harlequin Amazon Apple Books Barnes & Noble Books-A-Million Google Play IndieBound Kobo

Kristin Rockaway is a native New Yorker with an insatiable case of wanderlust. After working in the IT industry for far too many years, she traded the city for the surf and chased her dreams out to Southern California, where she spends her days happily writing stories instead of software. When she's not writing, she enjoys spending time with her husband and son, and planning her next big vacation.

SOCIAL LINKS:

http://kristinrockaway.com/ Facebook: /KristinRockaway Twitter: @KristinRockaway Instagram: @KristinRockway

Excerpt

From Chapter Two

“Don’t these books make your purse really heavy? There’s gotta be some app where you can store all this information.”

“Studies show you’re more likely to remember things you’ve written by hand, with physical pen and paper.” She reached across my lap and opened the glove compartment, removing a notebook with an antiqued photograph of a vintage luxury car printed on the cover. “For example, this is my auto maintenance log. Maybe if you’d kept one of these, like I told you to, we wouldn’t be in this predicament right now.”

I loved Natasha, I really did. She was responsible and generous, and without her I’d likely be far worse off than I already was, which was a horrifying thought to consider. But at times like this, I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake the shit out of her.

“A maintenance log wouldn’t have helped me.”

“Yes, it would have. Organization is about more than decluttering your home. It’s about decluttering your mind. Making lists, keeping records—these are all ways to help you get your life in order. If you’d had a maintenance log, this problem wouldn’t have caught you off guard in the middle of your delivery shift. You’d have seen it coming, and—”

“I saw it coming.”

“What?”

“This didn’t catch me off guard. The check engine light came on two weeks ago.” Or maybe it was three.

“Then why didn’t you take it to the mechanic?” She blinked, genuinely confused. Everything was so cut-and dried with her. When a car needed to be serviced, of course you called the mechanic.

That is, if you could afford to pay the repair bill.

Fortunately, she put two and two together without making me say it out loud. “Oh,” she murmured, then bit her lip. I could almost hear the squeak and clank of wheels turning in her head as she tried to piece together the solution to this problem. No doubt it included me setting up a journal or logbook of some sort, though we both knew that would be pointless. The last time she’d tried to set me up with a weekly budget planner, I gave up on day two, when I realized I could GrubGetter around the clock for the rest of my life and still never make enough money to get current on the payments for my student loans. You know, for that degree I’d never finished.

But Natasha was a determined problem solver. It said so in her business bio: “Natasha DeAngelis, Certified Professional Organizer®, is a determined problem solver with a passion for sorting, purging, arranging, and containerizing.” My life was a perpetual mess, and though she couldn’t seem to be able to clean it up, that didn’t stop her from trying. Over and over and over again.

“I’ll pay for the repairs,” she said.

“No.” I shook my head, fending off the very big part of me that wanted to say yes. “I can’t take any money from you.”

“It’s fine,” she said. “Business is booming. I’ve got so much work right now that I’ve actually had to turn clients away. And ever since Al introduced that new accelerated orthodontic treatment, his office has been raking it in. We can afford to help you.”

“I know.” Obviously, my sister and her family weren’t hurting for cash. Aside from her wildly successful organizing business, her husband, Al, ran his own orthodontics practice. They owned a four-bedroom house, leased luxury cars, and took triannual vacations to warm, sunny places like Maui and Tulum. They had a smart fridge in their kitchen that was undoubtedly worth more than my nonfunctioning car.

But my sister wasn’t a safety net, and I needed to stop treating her like one. She’d already done so much for me. More than any big sister should ever have to do.

“I just can’t,” I said.

“Well, do you really have any other choice?” There was an edge to Natasha’s voice now. “If you don’t have a car, how are you going to work?”

“I’ll figure something out.” The words didn’t sound very convincing, even to my own ears. For the past four years, all I’d done was deliver food. I had no other marketable skills, no references, no degree.

I was a massive failure.

Tears pooled in my eyes. Natasha sighed again.

“Look,” she said, “maybe it’s time to admit you need to come up with a solid plan for your life. You’ve been in a downward spiral ever since Rob left.”

She had a point. I’d never been particularly stable, but things got a whole lot worse seven months earlier, when my live-in ex-boyfriend, Rob, had abruptly announced he was ending our three-year relationship, quitting his job, and embarking on an immersive ayahuasca retreat in the depths of the Peruvian Amazon.

“I’ve lost my way,” he’d said, his eyes bloodshot from too many hits on his vape pen. “The Divine Mother Shakti at the Temple of Eternal Light can help me find myself again.”

“What?” I’d been incredulous. “Where is this coming from?”

He’d unearthed a book from beneath a pile of dirty clothes on our bed and handed it to me—Psychedelic Healers: An Exploratory Journey of the Soul, by Shakti Rebecca Rubinstein.

“What is this?”

“It’s the book that changed my life,” he’d said. “I’m ready for deep growth. New energy.”

Then he’d moved his belongings to a storage unit off the side of the I-8, and left me to pay the full cost of our monthly rent and utilities on my paltry GrubGetter income.

I told myself this situation was only temporary, that Rob would return as soon as he realized that hallucinating in the rainforest wasn’t going to lead him to some higher consciousness. But I hadn’t heard from him since he took off on that direct flight from LAX to Lima. At this point, it was probably safe to assume he was never coming back.

Which was probably for the best. It’s not exactly like Rob was Prince Charming or anything. But being with him was better than being alone. At least I’d had someone to split the bills with.

“Honestly,” she continued, “I can’t stand to see you so miserable anymore. Happiness is a choice, Bree. Choose happy.”

Of all Natasha’s pithy sayings, “Choose happy” was the one I hated most. It was printed on the back of her business cards in faux brush lettering, silently accusing each potential client of being complicit in their own misery. If they paid her to clean out their closets, though, they could apparently experience unparalleled joy.

“That’s bullshit, and you know it.”

She scowled. “It is not.”

“It is, actually. Shitty things happen all the time and we have no choice in the matter. I didn’t choose to be too broke to fix my car. I work really hard, but this job doesn’t pay well. And I didn’t choose for Rob to abandon me to go find himself in the Amazon, either. He made that choice for us.”

I almost mentioned the shittiest thing that had ever happened to Natasha or to me, a thing neither of us had chosen. But I stopped myself before the words rolled off my lips. This evening was bad enough without rehashing the details of our mother’s death.

“Sometimes things happen to us that are beyond our control,” Natasha said, her voice infuriatingly calm. “But we can control how we react to it. Focus on what you can control. And it does no good to dwell on the past, either. Don’t look back, Bree—”

“Because that’s not where you’re going. Yes, I know. You’ve said that before.” About a thousand times.

She took a deep breath, most likely to prepare for a lengthy lecture on why it’s important to stay positive and productive in the face of adversity, but then a large tow truck lumbered onto the cul-de-sac and she got out of the car to flag him down.

Grateful for the interruption, I ditched the casserole on her dashboard and walked over to where the driver had double-parked alongside my car.

“What’s the problem?” he asked, hopping down from the cab.

“It won’t start,” I said, to which Natasha quickly followed up with, “The check engine light came on several weeks ago, but the car has not been serviced yet.”

He grunted and popped the hood, one thick filthy hand stroking his braided beard as he surveyed the engine. Another grunt, then he asked for the keys and tried to start it, only to hear the same sad click and whine as before.

“It’s not the battery.” He leaned his head out of the open door. “When was the last time you changed your timing belt?”

“Uh… I don’t know.”

Natasha shook her head and mouthed, Maintenance log! in my direction but I pretended not to see.

The driver got out and slammed the hood shut. “Well, this thing is hosed.”

“Hosed?” My heart thrummed in my chest. “What does that mean? It can’t be fixed?”

He shrugged, clearly indifferent to my crisis-in-progress. “Can’t say for sure. Your mechanic can take a closer look and let you know. Where do you want me to tow it?”

I pulled out my phone to look up the address of the mechanic near my apartment down in Pacific Beach. But Natasha answered before I could google it up.

“Just take it to Encinitas Auto Repair,” she said. “It’s on Second and F.”

“You got it,” he said, then retreated to his truck to fiddle with some chains.

Natasha avoided my gaze. Instead, she focused on calling a guy named Jerry, who presumably worked at this repair shop, and told him to expect “a really old Civic that’s in rough shape,” making sure to specify, “It’s not mine, it’s my sister’s.”

I knew she was going to pay for the repairs. It made me feel icky, taking yet another handout from my big sister. But ultimately, she was right. What other choice did I have?

The two of us stayed quiet while the driver finished hooking up my car. After he’d towed it away down the cul-desac and out of sight, Natasha turned to me. “Do you want to come over? Izzy’s got piano lessons in fifteen minutes, you can hear how good she is now.”

Even though I did miss my niece, there was nothing I wanted to do more than go home, tear off these smelly clothes, and cry in solitude. “I’ll take a rain check. Thanks again for coming to get me.”

“Of course.” She started poking at her phone screen. A moment later, she said, “Your Lyft will be here in four minutes. His name is Neil. He drives a black Sentra.” A quick kiss on my cheek and she was hustling back to her SUV.

As I watched Natasha drive away, I wished—not for the first time—that I could be more like her: competent, organized, confident enough in my choices to believe I could choose to be happy. Sometimes I felt like she had twenty years on me, instead of only six. So maybe instead of complaining, I should’ve started taking her advice.

 Excerpted from She’s Faking It by Kristin Rockaway, Copyright © 2020 by Allison Amini. Published by Graydon House Books.